Only Child, AMPHL conference, and a rant

Sorry for being MIA! I've been in and out of town every week! My mouth has healed up wonderfully, though. It was so much easier than I expected it to be! Honestly, by the 2nd or 3rd day, my arm was hurting (from the IV) much worse than my mouth was, In fact, my hand and wrist are still sore nearly three weeks later, not sure why that is? I've never had such pain after an IV before, but oh well! It's nice to be able to eat again!

I just got back from moving my sister into her dorm in college. It was so weird driving home without her; I keep expecting her to walk into the room at any given moment. I miss her so much, but we'll still talk to each other all the time so it will be fine!

For those of you interested in the program I mentioned in my previous post,  I interviewed a few of the other attendees and posted it on Deafteens.org. Check it out! They're a pretty great group!

I also recently attended a conference in Portland as part of the Association of Medical Professionals with Hearing Losses. I wasn't sure what to expect and thought it might be a bit awkward since most of the people there would be, well, medical professionals (and not high school students), but everyone was very friendly and welcoming. I learned a ton, and I started a post about it when I got back. I need to find the notes I took so I can give some of the specific stats I think some of you might be interested in hearing. I could relate to so many of the stories and experiences shared at the conference It was very helpful, but also a little daunting. I realized then more than ever that the challenges never really go away.  Now, don't get me wrong- I didn't expect to magically have normal hearing when I turned eighteen or anything, but I just hoped it would get a little bit easier. It seems that the majority of medical and nursing schools have limited or no experiences with disabilities. I realized the fierce determination required to make it through medical school. I'm well aware it's not easy for someone without hearing loss, but for someone with hearing loss, it's just that much harder. I can do it! As much as it frightened me, it also got me pretty excited for what the future holds.

I start school Monday. New school. Huge. Still in denial.

On a semi-related note, I really hope I live to see the day that schools are more receptive and open to helping students with hearing loss (as well as other disabilities). It is long past due for the general hearing public (or, more specifically, school administrators) to stop being ignorant and stop hoping that we'll just go away. Some progress may have been made but we still have got a long way to go. A person's ability and potential should never be limited by what a school feels like providing or what is most convenient for the teacher. The current system is only failing us. It is only failing me.

I swear, as each year passes, I lose more and more faith in the educational system. Something needs to change, but I don't think I can fight anymore.

Quick Udpdate

I know I have some comments and messages that I need to respond to. I just got back in town yesterday from AG Bell's Leadership Opportunities For Teens program, and I had a blast. It was such a powerful, emotional experience that I will blog about in much more depth later because I just had my wisdom teeth out this morning. I was doing well but now all the numbness has worn off and it feels like I have been punched in the jaw about 50 times, so hopefully the pain medicine will kick in soon! Promise I'll write more soon!

Failure

The title does *not* reference a CI failure of any sort.

Remember my freshman year?

Remember how hard I fought for accommodations? How much I struggled?

And then remember sophomore year? How I barely got any sleep? How I accepted the fact I'd just have to work harder than everyone else? How I figured if I just studied hard enough I could make up for what I missed in hearing?

And remember that one class I took for the past two years? I literally spent hours nightly slaving over the textbook reading, carefully taking notes- hoping that what had been discussed in a class of 50+ students would instead be absorbed by reading and rereading the material.

At the end of the two years, I took the national exam. It doesn't really serve much of a purpose besides the opportunity to receive college credit. Basically "testing out" of a college course. It's a culmination of all the work you've put into the class, giving you reassurance that yes, it was worth it.

I didn't think I'd done very well, but I hoped for the best. Scores came in the mail in rounds. I heard as more and more people received their letters and received outstanding scores. They never studied nearly as much as I did, so I thought maybe all my studying would pay off.

It didn't. I didn't just "not do as well I'd hoped"; my score was nauseatingly bad.

 Maybe some people would shrug it off and think "better luck next time."

But I'm not like that. Instead I reflect. I overthink.

I always thought that if I worked hard enough, I could achieve anything. But maybe that's not true at all. Am I completely out of my league? If I did this miserably bad on an exam with a class of 50-something kids, how in the world can I handle competitive college classes that can be 5, even 10 times bigger, let alone years of medical school?

Have I completely overestimated myself?

Don't get me wrong, working hard has gotten me far. On the surface, I'm doing pretty well. I hear and speak, by most standards, well. Working my butt off and barely getting any sleep has allowed me to stay in the top 5% of my class (for now).

Is it even worth it? Where is this going to get me? Are my standards just set too high? If I feel so burnt out now, where am I going to be five, ten, twenty years from now? Will there ever ever be a point where I can look back and comfortably say, "it paid off."?

It just bothers me because I feel like I'm capable of so much, yet every time I try to reach my potential, I can feel the painful hands of hearing loss trying to pull me back. Actually, I can't even completely blame it on my deafness, but, more accurately, society's refusal to adapt to it.

It seems like it would be so much easier to just be average. To be satisfied at the idea of simply passing a course that's on grade level.

But for now I carry on, chin held high, slowly placing one foot in front of the other. My life is so much more than a test score.

Keepin' It Sweet

 Your regularly scheduled programing will resume shortly. Instead, I decided to give you some pictures! Have I mentioned that I like to bake? I realize this is incredibly random, but I thought I'd take a break from my usual posts, especially since the series I'm working on, as I mentioned, is still in progress in my life.. So I might not finish that up quite yet, we'll see! Plus, I thought some of you might be interested in learning a little more about what I enjoy, so here you go!

Anyway, these are just a selection of pictures of some of the things I've baked (the ones I actually thought to take pictures of). I make a pretty mean chocolate chip cookie, but I guess I've never taken any pictures of those. These are cell phone pics, so they're not the best quality, but if you want a recipe or anything then just ask!

This was the first time I ever made crepes. The first one turned out pretty disastrous (I'll spare you the picture), but I think the second one turned out pretty well! It totally reminded me of the crepes I had in France.. yum!

 

Banana-Nutella Crepe

Okay, this cake did not turn out so well... and it doesn't really count since my sister and I used a boxed cake mix. As you can see, a giant crack formed in the middle of the top layer after we stacked them. We made our own frosting, though and it didn't taste too bad! And if you're wondering about the red and blue blobs, my sister thought she'd decorate the cake with some fireworks since our mom's birthday was on the fourth of July. She also did the writing on top (trust me, if I had done it the writing would have been illegible!)

Devil's Food Cake with White Buttercream

These are the easiest cookies to make, ever. They're flourless, so they're good for Passover and people who can't tolerate gluten. But, more importantly, they taste delicious! They look a lot more appetizing in person, I promise!

Peanut Butter cookies with chocolate chips

 This was my first attempt at making cakeballs, and they were a huge hit a family gathering I brought them to. I got the idea off of Bakerella, and she lists the steps out and makes it super easy!

Red Velvet cake balls in cream cheese frosting with white and milk chocolate coatings.

 I got a Whoopie Pie recipe book for Hanukkah, but hadn't gotten the chance to make any until recently when a friend and I decided to do it for fun. They were big globs of deliciousness!

Classic Whoopie Pie

 For Father's Day, my sister and I made cake balls. This was try two, and they actually didn't turn out as well as the first try (above). My dad is a big coconut fan, so we dyed some coconut and sprinkled it on top!

Yellow cake with cream cheese frosting, dipped in white chocolate and coconut.

Do you like to bake? If so, then share your favorite recipes- I love making new things!