Big Changes- Bye bye, CI's!

All of you know that high school has been filled with its ups and downs for me. Fortunately, it seems I'll be finished a year earlier than originally expected.

I am proud to announce that I have been recruited to attend Harvard University for the fall of 2012. I didn't even have to apply. Apparently the admissions officers came across my blog and were so impressed that they chose to admit me. I don't even have to finish all of my high school credits!

As you all know, the costs of attending a school such as Harvard are astronomical. It is for this reason that I am announcing that starting next week, I will no longer have cochlear implants. It's been a neat experience to be able to hear, but the world is just too noisy for me anyway. I am selling all four of my processors, so please contact me if you are interesting in buying one (or all) of them. I will be having surgery to have the internal implant removed, and I have a company that is willing to buy them back from me and refurbish them so another person will get the chance to hear.

It is with these funds that I am hoping to scrape together enough money to pay for my first year at Harvard. I am not sure how I will pay for the remaining years, but if anyone is in need of a new kidney, feel free to contact me, and perhaps we could negotiate an exchange between the organ and some money for tuition.

I hope that you will all be supportive of me as I endeavor on this life change. I encourage you to keep in touch with me and check out my new blog in which I will account my adventures at Harvard.

Rookie Mistake

So, a couple of weeks ago I got to observe in the OR for a week as part of the program I was participating in. The first day was disastrous, to put it mildly. Once the masks went on, I felt completely lost. The equipment was noisy, the doctors and nurses mumbled, and the operating room doesn't exactly have the best acoustics. I left frustrated and feeling defeated.

When I got to school, I ran into one of my teachers for the course (not sure if I've already explained this before, but some weeks we're in class and other weeks we're observing at various sites). She knew I was nervous about being in the OR and not having any visual cues to help me hear. She stopped and asked how it had gone, and I admitted that I had felt completely lost and wasn't really sure what to do.
She suggested I try bringing the FM in and telling one of the nurses about my CI's and having her wear the FM. It may come as a surprise, but I don't typically tell the doctors and nurses at my site about my hearing loss and implants unless for some reason it comes up in the conversation. I'm usually able to keep up just fine, and since I only stay at each place for a week at a time, it's really not that big of a deal. Plus, I'll admit, a tiny part of me is afraid of them thinking less of me because I can't hear as well. I know, I know, I'm all for advocating for myself, but I'm afraid I'll be viewed differently for some reason.

Anyway, the next day I decided to suck it up and tell them about my implants and ask to use the FM. It worked out great, and the staff was far more receptive than I would have ever imagined. The surgeon was more than happy to wear the FM, and said it would be just another microphone to wear (since he was already wearing one to record the procedure). He interacted with me a lot and made sure I understood what was going on. It was great, and I left feeling absolutely delighted.

The following day was off to a rough start before I even arrived at the surgery center. It was pouring rain, and I was running late. No sooner had I walked into the building than I heard that dreaded beeping sound. The battery on one of my ears had died. I was slightly annoyed, but also grateful that I had another ear I could rely on.

I always have multiple packs of disposable batteries in my purse, pockets, car, etc. However, in recent months, I have transitioned to rechargeable batteries because my map was just too powerful to handle the disposable, thus causing the sound to cut in and out constantly. And of course, I never thought to carry around a spare rechargeable (or a controller that houses disposable batteries). There I was, one eared, but still relieved I had brought my FM. I turned it on, and I used it for all of 5 minutes when it mysteriously stopped working. This isn't anything out of the ordinary, and I've since given up using the FM at all because of its constant issues.

So, I did my best with one ear, and I somehow lucked out being around doctors who seemed to speak more clearly than others I'd been around before. It wasn't ideal, but there wasn't much I could do. I planned to go home during lunch to switch out the dead battery, and I figured I could make do for the first half of the day.  I arrived at school and was taking a test during my first class. Suddenly, I heard a series of beeps followed by complete silence. The other battery had died too. By this point I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry at my awful luck. I went up to my teacher and told her that if she had to tell me anything, she'd need to write it down since I couldn't hear at all. She was super nice about it, but it felt strange not being able to hear. I almost felt... naked? After I finished the test, I drove home and switched out the rechargeables, and I haven't had the issue again. However, now I never leave the house without backup rechargeable batteries!

Expectations Surpassed

Fourteen years ago, the journey began.

My mom listened in a daze as the audiologist threw around words like "decibels" and "audiogram". The audiologist pointed to a graph with scribbled X's and O's. She placed her finger on the line marked zero. "This is the level that most children hear at," she said, and then dragged her finger down to the line that said seventy, "this is the level your daughter hears at."

My mom did not understand.

"Wow," my mom thought to herself, "look how good her hearing is!"

The woman continued. She spoke of hearing aids, of me never speaking 'normally' and never attending a typical school, let alone perform at the same level as my hearing peers. That was a word she seemed to like, the word "never". That, along with "can't" and "won't"

In tears, my mother dragged me out of the doctor's office, vowing to never return to a place that told her what her daughter was incapable of achieving.

Me (right) with my older sister back in the day

Last week, I woke up at four in the morning to see how I performed on the SAT. My body filled with a mixture of dread and excitement when I saw the words "Your scores are available!" on the screen.

I clicked on it, and I saw this:

The score for each section is in the center column. A perfect score on a section is an 800. You add the scores up for the composite score, which is out of 2400.

I got a 2260, as you can see. I'm not sure if I screamed. I certainly let out a gasp. I know scores don't mean everything, but it's nice to have cold hard proof that I can point to and say, "You could not have been more wrong about me."

Just to put it in perspective:

• The national average score on the SAT is a 1500. (Source)
• The average SAT score for Harvard falls in the range of 2070-2350. (Source)

Yes, I am deaf- deaf to those who doubt me! And with that, I ask you not ever let a so-called expert control your future.

Coming out of hiding...

Well, it's been a while. I don't really count my last post as a real post since I gave absolutely no updates about what's been going on with me, so it has really been about four months since I've last posted. Hard to believe, isn't it?

Things have been busy. The school year started off okay. I went through a rough time for a while... I was just in a really bad place. I made some changes and re-evaluated what was important to me, and I'm making a conscious effort not to let myself get stressed out and anxious over things that are completely insignificant in the long run. I've felt so much better since.

My clinical rotations class has been going really well, and I absolutely love it. As much as I've been enjoying it, I was secretly hoping to get the chance to see some crazy, exciting thing happen. Lesson learned: be careful what you wish for! At one of my last sites of the semester, I got the amazing opportunity to do CPR on a patient during a code. I swear, it was just like Grey's Anatomy and all those other medical shows! I watched as the doctors and nurses worked on the patient for hours doing everything possible to save her. I felt so invested... It was the first time I ever got to touch a patient, let alone keep her heart beating! By the time I left, it was clear she would not make it. I was devastated, and I got in my car and sobbed. The whole thing was just heartbreaking, especially since when the patient initially came in, she was conscious and the doctors were hopeful that there would be a positive outcome. There are just some images that will remain forever etched in my memory. The lone tear rolling down her cheek after she was intubated and unable to speak. Her husband and his repeated, hopeful inquiries, "She'll be okay. She'll come out of this fine, right?" Her lifeless face as the doctors desperately pushed more and more medication into her veins, hoping her heart would beat on its own again. Her husband, wandering down the hall, dazed and crying when he realize everything might not be okay. As difficult as it was, I learned so much from the experience. And I suppose if I continue to pursue a career in medicine, I will have to face the bad outcomes as well as the good.

On a happier note, this video made me *very* excited. I'm so glad to see that UC-Davis is going to such lengths to accommodate its medical students with hearing loss, and I hope all schools take note! I actually got to meet and speak with Amanda at the AMPHL conference this summer, and I have no doubt she will go far in her career and in life! The video is captioned!

I am so glad I am on winter break. I ended the semester on a high note, getting A's in all of my classes. I also got my PSAT score back. I scored a 217 out of 240, which is in the 99th percentile for juniors. Yes, I am bragging, and I am proud! I worked darn hard for that score!

I went to California last week for my older brother's wedding, and I also got to meet up with one of my friends who I got to meet at LOFT over the summer. I had a great time! I'm back home now and taking advantage of the free time. My amazing parents gave me a Nook for Hanukkah (and e-book reader produced by Barnes and Noble, for those of you unfamiliar), and I have been reading away. I feel like a little kid again, staying up until 4 AM reading :) Yep, I had a unique childhood!

One last thing.. I recently came upon this great article while reading my local newspaper. It's about a woman who works as a closed captioner for the Dallas Cowboys stadium. She is also heavily involved in the hearing loss and cochlear implant community. Give it a read! 

Happy holidays to my dear readers who are left! May you have a happy, healthy, and safe new year!