a big mush of information

Remember how I said that I'm occasionally indecisive?
Well, I wasn't lying! I still have an announcement, just not the original one that I had planned.

So, recently I had time to do some reflecting. And, the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like the right choice. I'm giving up orchestra.

Don't get me wrong- I've enjoyed it these past four years. I've learned so much about music, and I have no doubt that playing the violin has allowed me to have an even greater appreciation for music.

And yet..
 It's been a bit of a love/hate relationship. While I enjoy playing it, I'm not particularly gifted at it. In addition to not feeling like I'm progressing, I also tried to think of the benefits of staying in orchestra. Last year, I had to write a plan of the classes I would take throughout my four years of high school, to see how I would get all of my credits in. I only had enough room to take orchestra the first two years of high school. That would mean, more than likely, that I'd be quitting after next year. The violin just isn't something I can see myself doing throughout my adulthood. It's more of a hobby than a passion. And, yes, it does look good to colleges if you stick with a musical instrument.

I recently did some reflecting on that too. When it came time to signing up for classes for next year, many of my friends decided to sign up for an AP elective class, almost exclusively for the GPA credit/points. I thought about it, and I figured a lower GPA is worth having a social life (and sleep, for that matter). I'm still taking plenty of challenging classes, just not bogging myself down with them. I decided to take a class (which is supposedly quite easy, but very interesting) about medical science, which is something I'm very interested in. I had no doubt about sticking with French, of course.

So that left me with one more elective class. At the time, I signed up for orchestra. I changed my mind a few weeks ago, and that was when I began the frantic search for another class to take in its place.

Well, I was going to tell you that I was taking sign language instead. That, make no mistake, it wasn't some symbolic gesture of me trading in music for ASL. I was going to say that I can't give my opinion about a language, a culture, that I've never truly experienced. An exciting adventure, to try something new.

And then..
I went to talk to my counselor. I explained everything, and told her that I felt ASL was pretty much the only other alternative class I could take. She asked me if there was anything else I was really interested in.

I told her how I love to write, and I really wanted to take yearbook. I was disappointed how I made my decision too late, seeing as the deadline to apply was nearly a month ago. Well some emails, a few rushed references, and an interview later...

I will be on my high school's 2010-2011 yearbook staff :)

And, for what it's worth, I just might consider taking violin lessons outside of school. It's still an option, and I've yet to completely decide. Also, this doesn't mean I won't ever take ASL...just not this year.

....I wonder if I should change the blog name?

Perspectives

I can't help but occasionally wonder how big of a deal my hearing loss is for the people around me. Is it something that makes people act differently around me, or do most people not give it a second thought? This week I've gotten some insight on that, and thought I'd share.

A couple of days ago, we had (yet another) fire drill at school. The way they do fire drill at my school, is that regardless of what class the fire drill is in, you have to go and find your study hall class. Each class has a designated spot on the massive football field. However, I have absolutely no sense of direction, and when you're trying to find your way amongst 2,000 other teenagers, it can get pretty insane. So, with this last fire drill, I began wandering aimlessly around on the football field, hoping to see a familiar face. After doing this for a few minutes, I deemed the technique ineffective and decided to just stand in one spot, in hopes that I'd finally spot someone. No sooner had I stopped wandering than I saw one of my best friends (who is in my study hall) running up from behind me.  "Hey, we're over there (points to area across the football field). I tried screaming your name, but then I realized that probably wasn't such a good idea..." (implying I probably wouldn't hear it)

While I don't want my hearing loss to be the first thing people think of, I'm glad it entered my friend's mind in that situation. Occasionally, when walking down the hall (which, between the blaring music and the obnoxious kids can create a deafening noise level) a friend will start talking to me as I'm concentrating on not dropping the 30 pounds of books I'm carrying. I don't always hear them speaking initially, and will occasionally be given annoyed looks when the end of their oh-so-important story is met with a blank, confused stare. They're pretty good about getting my attention first, but I guess it can sometimes be forgotten.

This year in my AP Human Geography class, I've befriended the girl who sits in front of me. It's the only class I've ever had with her, but we've grown close since we take a lot of the same classes and have some of the same interests. When she walked into the classroom today, she looks at the board and groaned. "Look at the second bullet on the board..." she said in an annoyed voice. I looked up to see that we were going to have a pop open-note quiz over the video we watched yesterday.

I began to laugh.  She stared at me, confused, for a few seconds. Finally, it came to her and she screamed, "Ahh, no fair! I wish I had a hearing aid!" :P Someone else looked over, confused about why she would say such a thing.

"The video didn't have captions, so Mrs. B gave her a copy of her notes since she can't hear the video. She has all of the answers to the quiz!" Half the class then eyed me enviously, and I innocently shrugged. I was grateful that my teacher has finally gotten into the habit of giving me video notes.

Apparently no one took very good notes over the video. Our teacher loves giving quizzes over insanely specific (but pretty irrelevant) material. We got the quiz, and it only had ten questions, all of which were specific (some of the questions asked how much certain workers earned a day..what's the importance of that? The video was about China!) The sort of ironic thing was that a third of the answers weren't even in the teachers notes. (My teacher told me the answers to those.)

On a completely unrelated note, we had an orchestra competition today. All 3 levels of my school orchestra straight 1's (the best score) from all of the judges :)

Perlman

I got very little sleep last night. In addition to having a huge test today, I went out last night. Where, you ask?

Why, to see the famous Itzhak Perlman!

At the moment you are either thinking "WOW!" or you have a very confused look on your face. That's okay. None of my friends knew who he was either

He's one of the best violinists EVER! He was born in Israel, but I believe he now lives in the US.You can read more about his accomplishments here.

It was amazing. I had to leave at the intermission because it was late, and I had to study. We had front-row (as in the VERY FIRST ROW) seats, which was pretty cool. Howevere, they were at the very right edge of the stage (where the Cello section of the orchestra sits) and the violinists sit toward the left area of the stage. If they dropped a cello, it would've landed on me :P. After the first song (out of 3) they moved him and I could only see his foot from the angle I was sitting. I could hear him great though, and put my left ear on my music program for even better enjoyment (I thought having it on both ears would be a bit too much) Anyway, it was really cool. Not only did he play really well, but he conducted the rest of the orchestra during the songs he played! How awesome is that?!

There's another thing about Mr. Perlman. It's not the first thing many people mention it when talking about him, since it's irrelevant to what makes him so amazing. As a child, he contracted polio and now must use either crutches or a wheelchair to get around.  He used crutches at the performance I attended. He struggled to get on the platform which he had to perform on. After 5 minutes of him trying various methods of getting on the platform, and with the rest of the violin section looking quite nervous that he would fall, he made it in his seat. He turned to the audience, laughed, and gave a thumbs up.

I just love his attitude. He displays such intense emotion while he plays, you can see that he feels the music within.

I looked up some of his quotes, and stumbled upon this,

" Sometimes the wheelchairs don't arrive, the chairs are broken, or there's only one leg rest. There's an awful lot not being done. If we talk about it enough, someone will make it improve. "

I couldn't agree more, Mr. Perlman. I couldn't agree more.

What my mom has done for me (This is for the parents...)

I received the following very sweet comment on my blog on Thursday.

"I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now. I must say that you are both a very good and a very entertaining writer. So if that medical career doesn't work out for you(which I'm sure it will), I think writing might be a good, albeit not very well paying, backup.


Anyway, I just want to thank you for your blog. It has really helped me cope during the past couple of months. While I am a long way from 15 (41 to be exact), I read your blog because one of my daughters (she's five) was just diagnosed with a mild unilateral hearing loss. Currently, she still has tons of usable hearing - her loss is at 35 db on the 2000 and 4000 Hz frequencies in her right ear, with the two lower speech frequencies still testing at 10 db. Her left ear tested at 10 db across all speech frequencies. So I feel fortunate that she still has so much hearing, and I hope and pray that her hearing remains stable.

But as you know, that's pretty hard to predict even with all of the anxiety-inducing testing that accompanies a SNHL diagnosis. So your blog has shown me that no matter what happens - even if she loses most of her hearing and will require CIs, she will still be able to succeed at school, have lots of friends, and have great aspirations like becoming a doctor! So thank you for that - it means a lot to a scared mom. I would also appreciate any advice you can give me on how your mom has helped you over the years cope with your hearing loss aside from just being a great mom and advocate for you. I'm new to this, and I appreciate any advice I can get.

I'm going to keep reading your blog - I learn a lot about hearing loss issues, and it's just wonderful to get a peak into the psyche of a 15-year-old girl who loves her life and looks forward to a great future while dealing with hearing loss, CIs, and the trials of being a teenager in general.


All the best.
Rebecca"

First of all, thanks Rebecca!
It's these kind of comments that I really appreciate, and they make me want to keep writing. So, Rebecca, (and all you other parents) this is what my parents have done for me that  believed has helped me immensely.
 
Teach by example
 A huge part of having a hearing loss is learning to be an advocate for yourself. When I was younger (toddler age to early elementary) I was painfully shy. I never felt comfortable explaining my hearing loss or my needs to people. My mom, on the other hand, was always fiercely determined to make sure I was given equal access to everything we did in school and elsewhere. She would always explain my needs and equipment to all of my teachers, from the very day I started wearing hearing aids. While I wouldn't say a word, my mom would always make sure I was there when she had this conversation. She'd tell me that she wouldn't always be there to advocate for me, and that if I didn't make my need important, no one else would either. I listened closely to what she would say and how she would explain things, and now, when I am explaining my hearing loss to people I use a very similar dialogue that I'd heard my mom give my teachers year after year.
 
Don't lower your expectations or place restrictions
My parents have always told me that as long as I did my best, they would be happy with me. However, they did not have any lower expectations for me than my older (hearing) sister, and never really let me use my hearing loss as a crutch or excuse to not do well on something. (Unless, of course, it was due to me not hearing the information, which would bring me back to #1.)  They also never told me I couldn't do anything because I couldn't hear. For example, when I started middle school, we had to choose whether to do band, choir, or orchestra. I changed my mind three times (I can't imagine how different things would be if I had chosen choir!), but my hearing loss played a minimal factor in this decision. I was never once told by my mom, "Maybe you shouldn't take the violin-what if you can't hear it?" The same was true when I had to decide when to take a foreign language (starting in 7th grade or 9th grade) and what language to take. I chose to take French, purely because I liked the way it sounded. I was never told it might be better if I waited two years so I could take ASL instead.
 
Open the lines of communication
One thing my mom always told me was not to be afraid to tell her anything. Whether it be a broken FM, a teacher who wasn't quite doing what she was supposed to, or a kid who just didn't "get it", I knew I could talk to my mom about it. Not only that, I knew she would help the situation. One important, I must say, is that if your child comes to you and says that her FM has been broken for the past two weeks, don't yell at her for waiting so long to tell someone. I had teachers who did this, and I would always think they'd be mad at me, so I just wouldn't tell them at all. Instead, thank your child for telling you, while nicely encouraging her to tell you sooner the next time it happens.
 
Follow your child's lead
When I was about five, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to some program and meet other kids who were "like me" and also had a hearing loss. I cried and cried, saying that I wasn't different than anyone else and did not want to go. My mom never pushed the issue, and I was perfectly content with not being with other who had hearing loss for years. As I got older and into my teen years, I became more aware frustrated with certain issues that I felt like my hearing peers couldn't relate to. I began asking to go to conventions, camps, and programs for other teens with hearing loss. While these weren't always the most fun or interesting things for my mom to attend, she understood that I needed to interact with others who could relate to me hearing- wise- but only when the time was right for me.
 
I hope this helps some of y'all out there. I will also ask my mom if she has any advice that she'd like to share.
 
Thanks Mom, for all you've done over the years!

Good, but...

In French class, whenever we do any sort of speaking test there is a rubric that we're graded on. You can be rated anywhere from a 0-5 on a variety of criteria. If you score a 3.5-4 on something, that means you scored in the "good, but..." category. As mature as my class would like to think we are, there is still a fit of giggles everytime the teacher says "If you have a good, but.."  (Notice what it sounds like when the comma is removed...) Anyway, it basically means you did pretty well, but there are some things that could have been better. That's how my week went.

For starters, there were no meltdowns, breakdowns, freakouts, or anything of that sort. It's been a relatively happy week.. Some of the material that I was worried about and having trouble with seems to have gotten easier. I really  need (another) mapping, so everything on the hearing front hasn't been too great, which doesn't really help when you're put in one of the noisiest hearing environments.  It seems like the people at the school are starting to understand what I'm getting frustrated with, and are willing to help- as long as it doesn't involve spending, and a very misleading thing called "educational need" is shown.
Unfortunately:

• A) Sometimes when you've done everything you possibly can, there's nothing left but to try a proven and well-known technology. If this isn't recognized very soon, there can and will be action on our part.
• B) My intelligence and ability to study for hours just to learn the material I can't hear in class shows absolutely nothing about my hearing ability. I wish someone (who makes these decisions) would understand that.

Sorry if that's vague, it's probably best that I wait to share more details until after the fact.

Believe it or not, my week was relatively stress free. I haven't been completely overwhelmed, and actually got something that I oh-so-dearly was starting to miss- SLEEP! My teachers have scheduled all of the hardest tests on this upcoming Thursday, so I'm planning on getting a head start on studying so I'm not a complete disaster come Wednesday night.

And for the but.. And it's a big but... ( no pun intended... okay, maybe...)

I've had the same violin teacher ever since I started playing violin over three years ago. I'm not talking about my orchestra director, but my private lessons teacher who I've seen for  half an hour each week to work on any pieces or techniques that I have trouble with, or want to get better at. He's been my teacher when my hearing was getting worse, when I decided to get a CI, was waiting to get my implant activated, watched as I changed and grew along with my hearing, and then my journey with my second implant. He loved to experiment with how well I could hear differences in pitches, and was usually able to tell if an issue I was having with orchestra  was a "hearing thing" or just one of my own little quirks, completely unrelated to how well I can hear.

For the past two Mondays, he hadn't shown up at my school to give me a lesson during my orchestra class (or for any of his other students). I figured he was sick, and didn't really think anything of it. What I didn't know was that he hadn't called the orchestra director to let him know he wouldn't be there, which was something always did. My orchestra director was starting to get worried, and on Tuesday went over to my lesson teacher's apartment and knocked on the door, but no one answered. He soon found out no one had heard from him in a while, and called the police. The police came over to the apartmet, and found that my lesson teacher had passed away in his home at least a week ago. He was fairly young, and relatively healthy.

That's all I know, I have no clue about the cause was or any other details. I'm still very much in shock, and it has definitely made me appreciate each day for what it is, because you just never know if tomorrow will come. I know it won't be easy to find another teacher who understands and is nearly as interested in my hearing journey. I am very grateful for the three years that I had him, and can definitely say I wouldn't be where I am today without him.

It's That Time of Year Again- Orchestra

Every year (okay, well I just started doing it last year, so for the past two years) I have written all of my teachers an email letting them know a little bit about myself, my hearing loss, and my implants so that they're not completely clueless on the first day. This year I wrote three different emails- one for orchestra, one for my core classes, and I'm going to write one for French soon. I am going to post these in case anyone wanted an idea of what I write, or if you wanted to write a similar letter yourself. So here is the letter I wrote to my Orchestra teacher.

**Some information is **ed out because it is private and/or irrelevant.


Hi Mr. ******,
My name Is L**** M**** and I'm going to be in your first period Orchestra class. I know you have taught me a few times at ***[my middle school], but I just wanted to let you know some things about me to make the year run a little more smoothly. I wear devices called cochlear implants in each ear, and without them on I am profoundly deaf. Rather than having thousands of little hair cell to hear all the different frequencies, I hear an array of 22 electrodes implanted inside of my head. With my implants on, I can hear most sounds, but they sound different to me than they would to someone with natural hearing. Because of this, it can be hard for me to tune my violin, and I may not always hear the more subtle differences in pitch when playing (or listening) to music. I am hoping this will not pose much of a problem, but if it does I will let you know you know and maybe we can figure out a time outside of class for you to help me with whatever I am having difficulty with. My hearing loss has not posed many issues in the past, so, again, I hope it is not too big of a deal in orchestra.

When you speak to me or the class, make sure you speak in a steady and somewhat loud voice so that I can understand you. I also read lips, so I need an unobstructed view of your face and mouth when you are talking. To help me hear a little bit better, I also use a device called an FM system. It's fairly easy to use, and you basically just have to hang the microphone around your neck. I don't know if you have used this type of FM before, but if not I would be more than happy to come by **** [my high school] today or Friday to explain everything. It shouldn't take more than a couple of minutes, but it can be pretty hectic on the first day (as I'm sure you know!) and it would be easier for me to show you how to use it ahead of time, if that's possible.

The last I wanted to let you know is that if we ever watch some kind of video in class with important information, it must be captioned for me to understand what is being said. If it does not have captions, I will need you to give me a copy of notes with any information in the video that I need to know.

Thank you, and please let me know if you would like me to come explain the FM!